I guess this is what I asked for right? What we all ask for.. unknowingly of course. The one thing that is certain is disappointment, and just when you think it won’t hit and life is going peachy for once, that’s when it throws the fatal blow and leaves you wounded on the ground. So here I sit, defeated but not entirely in disbelief. I can’t pretend that I didn’t anticipate this, I did and I guess I could pretend but I’m done with the illusion. I am accepting my reality. This is it… okay… its kind of shitty but hey, at least its real. Yeah, its defiantly real… yup still very very real. But it’s not over and that’s what I realize. I’ll keep going through this vicious cycle and eventually one day before the disappointment hits there will be a moment true accomplishment and bliss and that will be real too. And for that moment no matter how long or short it lasts, that will be my reality.
For him he thought and believed he would be happier without her then he would be with her. This belief was strong, so strong that he left her, and that’s what hurts. To her, he was everything and to him she was only something, but she feels more like nothing. She was however his everything once upon a time, which now feels like once upon a dream. But still, a life without him, for her, is unmanageable, it is a life without genuine happiness… and for him, a life without her is do-able and easy. And that’s why he left, because it was easy to, because he can and wanted to be happy without her… so why does she still stay??
I’d like to believe that what I’m about to say is wrong but unfortunately it’s what always happens, its only a matter of how long. I had a love that once was strong but now that love has disintegrated, disappeared and is gone.
If you think you’re in love, you probably are and that is a beautiful thing. Cherish it, every single second of that love because if you think it will last, then you’re living in some fairy tale. You’re dreaming of the impossible, hoping for those magical endings with fireworks and a moonlit kiss but, everyone knows that fairy tales don’t really exist and even though marriages exist and put up the facade of a fairy tale ending, it is only the promise to stay together that ultimately lasts. The feeling, the emotion of love… that will always fade. You can try to stop it or ignore the fact that it is happening or will eventually happen, but in the end we all stand there and watch the light fade softer and softer until it completely dies out. You’ll ask yourself a whole bunch of questions like: how did this happen? What went wrong? Whose fault is it? Where did the the love go? When did everything start to change? And the truth is you can come up with as many answers to make yourself feel better, but in reality, the harsh reality, is that it will always happen no matter what, unexplained and unexpected. Love dies, always. You can try to be a hero and save it but love is a villain that will always win.
I don’t want to “see you around” and I’ll never be able to remember you, because I’m not going to forget you. You’re not going to be a memory or a photo stuck on my wall. Lets promise not to end up five years later wondering what we’re up to and calling each other to “catch up” cause let’s be honest, that is awkward as fuck and we’re beyond that. So, let’s avoid it all and just promise to never say goodbye. Yeah. That’s good. I’d like that. A lot. So, just stay in my life. For a while, or for good, but most importantly, for right now.
Yes…there it is in my chest. I feel it pumping along, the rhythm pounding into the base of my palm. So my heart is beating and beating strong, I feel it so it must be true. Although something tells me that it is no longer beating for you. Its at a different pace, a little slower then the last time I checked, which was way back when. So, what happens now? You know, when the flame grows faint and the wax runs out? I don`t know, but I do know that I’m all out of matches and the wicks worn down. Its ashame but I need to learn not to be afraid of the dark
You’ve had enough time to break me down,
So I hope you remember what I was, cause I’m in billions of pieces now,
Every shatter rests on the ground.
There wasn’t enough time to build me back up,
The curtains closing and now I’m out of luck,
It really is super fucked.
Im not one in a million,
I look like everyone in this room.
Im just another name shot in frame,
A walking, talking object.
Nothing more than your display,
With an ocasional one or two words to say.
Im your toy,
Your model to move and minipulate,
And I realise the only time its about me, is when I slate.
Round, round, round, around
Spinning, twirling, hurling, whirling like the wind,
Winding down, falling, tumbling, crumbling,
Crawling on my knees,
Begging, pleading, leaving, grieving,
Catching, chasing, earasing the past,
It wont last, running fast, away, stay,
Here I lay,
Rest, rave, crave, save
Im numb to everything right now and Im fighting so hard not to be. Im pushing myself to feel and continue on but its impossible. I can’t do it… I feel nothing and I want to feel nothing. It hurts too much to feel anything. Even the good ends up hurting, and usually it hurts the most. Its not enough amymore to have only a taste of something wonderful because shorltly after, everything goes to shit. So why endure it all? Im not. I refuse. So Ive stopped. Dont be alarmed, just let me be. Im content with feeling nothing, with not feeling a thing.
I don’t want to feel alone,
I know I wont be entirely without you but I wont be with you..
like this, like how we are now, as the people we are now.
I know I shouldn’t but I hold onto things. With my little hands I grip and hold tightly and right now, I have the strongest possible clasp on this that I can physically handle. It hurts, my hands are sore but I am determined to keep holding on.
Only its impossible not to loosen my grip,
because finger by finger I’m watching things start to slip.
I remember a few years ago I sat and struggled to open up a closed fist
just to be able to reach for all this.
Now its time and my palm struggles to show again.
Its time for me to reach for something new,
but I know my heart will always be holding onto you.
I know exactly what it is. It is you, all of you… every single one of you. Its the ones who are practically my family and the ones I’ve never spoken to. Its those I make fun of and the ones I idolize. The people who stop and stare and the other ones who join in. It is those who wiped my tears and the ones who caused them. Its the ones I hate to love and also the ones I love to hate. Its the people I cant stand sometimes and the people I need to be surrounded by. Its you who I’ve yelled at and you who I’ve laughed with. Its also you who I look up to and you who makes poor choices. Its you, all of you… EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU. In each individual way, you all inspire me. You guys are my flame. I may have lit and started the fire years ago but you all keep it burning, and right now it is brighter than ever.